Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

4/5

Yes. 4 out of 5. I have no idea how people can honestly come out of this movie and hate it. I had the time of my life. I'm sure my buddy and I pissed off the entire audience with our obnoxious laughter. And here's the crazy part - it's NOT because it's so bad. It takes its image, and sells it! The script had Hansel suffer from diabetes because he ate too much of the ginger bread house. That's so stupid...and yet so perfect! It sells its gore and stupid weapons for the sheer fun of it - of course a machine gun crossbow is ridiculous, of course having a phonograph in that time period is stupid...but it was all so strangely clever that it was impossible to not have a smile on your face. Everyone took it seriously enough that it wasn't parody, but it was with an obvious understanding that I have to go ahead and say that this movie is a recommendation. Go watch it. It's so fun.

Parker

1.5/5

It's just so BORING. And Jennifer Lopez is just SO TERRIBLE. She's so painfully bad, I was praying that the next scene wouldn't have her. And I was so bored, I fell asleep for a few minutes, woke up, and didn't miss anything.The story was predictable, but it wasn't so terrible that I just gave up on it. Jason Statham was fun enough, but the rest of the cast was just so terrible it ruined the little he gave to the movie. It had one of the worst music scores I've heard in a while, it grated on my ears. And the climax was so anticlimactic and senseless it made me question the previous 2 hours. At the end of it, I couldn't help but think of the two hours I gave to this movie as a waste of time, not because it was so bad, but because I had no strong feelings one way or the other, and couldn't even say I had fun.

Mama

3.5/5

Wow. Didn't expect that. At all, actually. I mean, I was tearing up a few times during this. This turned into an emotional display of what happens to a child who isn't raised properly. The special effects were dated looking, but the idea is just creepy enough, and its executed with a good script that allows it to make you feel a plethora of emotions. Interestingly, at no point was I really scared. Sure, one or two scenes managed to make me jump, but its the youngest girls relationship to her mama that really makes you get goosebumps. I really don't have much else to say about it. It's nicely performed, as I said it has a nice script, it's a really enjoyable experience of a movie, and the first one of the genre in a while.

The Last Stand

3/5

It's likable. But then again, what do you expect? It knows it's trying to be silly, and it works as you'd expect. Johnny Knoxville is the WORST, he's so annoying and serves only one incredibly forced purpose. Other than that, I was really disappointed with the majority of the movie in regards to our good friend Arnold. Why? Because he was obviously the least bad-ass of anyone in the movie. His age really showed in this, which is a shame because they made him great in this years Expendables movie. The movie also had none of the same enormous scale. The villain seems so small time, so forgettable, I'm never really afraid of him. And because so little of the movie is the fighting that we wanted, it left me feeling let down, and even dozing off a bit in the middle. But it's all made up for in a fun last battle, it fixed the vibe. All in all, the movie works, even if it really didn't hit the high we all wanted it to with AHNOLD.

Gangster Squad

3/5

This movie is an anomaly. It's a movie that I look at and, honestly, the script isn't good, the characters are boring and stupid, and the story just kinda falls flat. But it's the rare exception where all of that is completely made up for with an unbelievably electric cast and a great sense of style. I loved every single person in this movie. It's the worst we've seen Ryan Gosling, and that is a GREAT thing, because he's still great. Emma stone is gorgeous and likable, Josh Brolin absolutely steals the show and really shines in this. I went on Rotten Tomatoes, and apparently people are complaining that this is violent?........really? This is violent? Has the audience not seen Django? And that's just from this year. This wasn't that bad, save the first death in the movie. It's really nothing that drastic. It's not one to pay to see, because it seems like a lot of people like it less than I did, but it's one to check out solely for its fun experimentation and some dynamite performances.

A Haunted House

0.5/5

Dear Hollywood,

LEARN HOW TO MAKE A PARODY MOVIE. Taking a bunch of lame jokes that make no sense and have no purpose and cramming them into the same camera style as a sortof popular franchise is NOT PARODY. What are the best parody movies? THEY'RE MOVIES THAT CAN STAND ON THEIR OWN. When I think of great parody movies, or at least my personal favorites, I think of Shaun of the Dead, a movie that parodies zombie movie that also stands on its own as a legitimate zombie movie. This is...disgraceful. The first scene involves hooking a dog up to jumper cables after the main characters girlfriend hits it. I don't get it...is this a stupid reference to Frankenweenie? If it's not, then why is it here? If it is....WHY WOULD YOU PUT A REFERENCE TO FRANKENWEENIE IN A MOVIE THAT SPECIFICALLY PARODIES THE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY MOVIES. It's stupid. It's not funny. It's stupid. Forget this movie.

The Impossible

5/5

This is a movie that constantly toed the line of potentially being too sappy. Lets face it - it's a set of parents searching for their two kids. At the end of the day, that sounds like an Oscar grabber to me. Luckily, the script wasn't cheesy in the slightest. Lines felt organic, the moments of hope were incredibly organic and very uplifting. The kids in it were fantastic, and I felt not only sympathy for them, but instead of being used simply as the obvious source of pity, they were also easy to believe, and just as good actors as their adult costars. Ewan McGreggor is unbelievable, and I loved him as much as I always do. Naomi Watts was also really great, maybe not Oscar nom great but I really did think she did a great job. The scenes of the devastation were terrifying, and seeing as many of the survivors of the tsunami had a hard time watching this movie, it seems like it really did its job quite well. All in all, this is one to watch and be prepared, because you will most likely end up crying.