The Host

I hate Twilight. What a shock. I only saw the first one and was so frustrated by the obvious distaste, the shameless catering to young girls who desperately wanted a boyfriend, and the horrific undertones of abusive relationships being the most romantic. I didn't want anything to do with it. I refused to watch any other Twilight movie. I remember an ex girlfriend of mine telling me it was okay if I didn't go to the midnight showing of one of the sequels as long as I didn't go to see it on Tuesday. As if that was a problem, I had no intention of watching another one ever. When trailers for The Host started playing, I was even more frustrated. Now we're ruining the alien invasion genre with a blatant rip off of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, in 3D? My friends told me it was so bad it's good. I definitely have a weakness for those.

But this wasn't so bad it's good. The fact that this was Roger Ebert's final review before he passed away is nothing short of disturbing. The fact remains that this is an unbelievably barrel-scraping mess of a movie, that ruined the image of an incredibly talented actress in my mind. Thankfully this movie absolutely tanked compared to expected gross at the box office, so hopefully no one will notice.

First of all, why are these aliens called "souls". Do they even know what a soul is? Second, how and why do they speak english to each other? Is that really expected considering their origin? Third of all, why is it that these aliens invading is necessarily a bad thing?! From what they said, they're here to fix our planet from the damage we did to it. That sounds like a WONDERFUL idea. Take over my body, be done with it, and lets get to work, almighty souls!

There is no way internal monologue can work the way it does in this. I would have rather all internal dialogue be dropped, and the only dialogue we hear is from this Wanderer soul thing inside our main characters body talk to itself. That would have been far more interesting than the garbage I got with her talking to herself.

Where is drama in this story? It should be obnoxiously obvious. But I simply don't see any reason to care about this little nobody girl on the run and her crush who now doesn't love her because of the demon soul inside of her. Moreso, alien's have taken over the world. Why on EARTH (pun intended) do I care about this stupid girl's failing romance with her creepy boyfriend who kisses her because she's a human. Literally, that's why they kiss. I'm not joking. He says "you're a human" and shoves his tongue in her mouth. I'm gonna try that next time I'm at a bar. I'm comin for ya, future wife.

I can go on and on all day about this god awful movie. But this is already getting long. So here's the deal - people are gonna tell you it's funny. If it is, they saw it in the perfect context with the right group of people. I saw it with two of my buddies knowing full well what we were getting into. It's not funny. It's just insufferable.

Score - 0.5/5