Free Birds

Oh my god. It's been done. It's really been done. A movie was made that even George Takei's presence couldn't fix. It's so sad. It actually happened.

Seriously though. I thought Escape from Planet Earth was the worst animated movie I'd seen in a long time. But no, this, THIS takes the turkey. What's that, you say that's a bad pun? Kick's the crap out of any joke int his movie...

So, what is this movie about? Two turkey's, one of whom had a vision of a turkey god telling him to do so, go back in time to prevent turkey's from becoming Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, that apparently WILL be made into a movie. Owen Wilson's character, the USA pardoned turkey, is kidnapped by Woody Harrelson's overly buff turkey (...?) character. Hijinks ensue. That's really about all there is to say...there's Native American turkeys (?) who use spears and flaming pumpkins (?) to sabotage Plymouth colony (.......). Not to mention this film suggests that Thanksgiving was celebrated in an attempt to convince the Native Americans that they needed help. Way to get your facts straight, movie...

But that's not all that's wrong with this movie. Pretty much everything manages to fall on its face. Voice acting? Disgraceful. What the hell happened, Woody Harrelson? Animation? Cheap and lazy. In fact the only good animation seems to have been saved for the time travel sequences. And even those only look just okay. Plants and surfaces look flat and uninteresting, lazily forgotten to make outer space look good. But even there it doesn't. The Earth, when the turkeys fly into space (...-_-) looks like a poorly cropped photo of Earth just kinda thrown in. It all happens with an overly used awful musical score, one of the worst I can remember. It's tacky, boring, and forgettable.

Not only is the movie's general plot stupid, but so much more of this just raises eyebrows. Apparently, Woody Harrelson's character sees Turkey Jesus, who tells him to go to find the pardoned turkey and go back in time to save turkeys from being the Thanksgiving standard...because that's a story that needs telling...? How about the part where a villager is hit in the head with a flaming pumpkin, with no comedic results. That's right, incredibly blatant violence endorsed by this movie. How about the turkey's all using SPEARS as their choice of weapon, or the incredibly insulting war paint on their faces? If that's not strange enough, there's an absolutely ridiculous plot twist that results in head scratching and headaches, and my giving up on the film.

And this all culminates into a film that even takes away George Takei's happy making. His sultry, soothing voice doesn't even make my mouth twitch from a smile. Even his trademark "ohh myyyyy" had me roll my eyes. Mr. Takei, if you're reading this, I PROMISE it's not your fault. It's this god awful movies fault. I can't believe I wasted my cash on this. Who am I kidding...I see this so you don't have to.

Rank - 0.5/5