....Ugh...
This is a movie I liked. I did. I liked it while I was watching it. Then it ended. And I realized just how much I didn't enjoy it.
First of all, it took FOREVER. We don't need this. Really, we don't. I get the idea of splitting up a book for films. But if you can take the three Lord of the Rings books and make them into three amazing movies, you certainly don't need three movies to make this one book work.
Second of all, guess what, I can't possibly ruin this movie. Why is this? Because it ends on the single dumbest cliffhanger I could possibly imagine. This movie was 20 minutes shy of 3 hours. You mean to tell me you couldn't just save us the first 20 minutes of the next film and end the damn action scene we all saw coming? Why have this cliff hanger? It's not like LOTR, where the endings made sense, where it was like closing a book and waiting to finish another day. No, this is absurdly bad. This is like a bad ending to a Pokemon episode. Only it somehow managed to give me no desire to see the rest.
Next, I don't know, did the barrel escape scene happen in the book? Because that was stupid. How about the romance between that dwarf and the elf? Did that happen? Because that was stupid. Did all of them climb the mountain, then clearly climb down, and then magically reappear as soon as everything was fine and dandy in the book? Because that was stupid. I can't defend the story, I don't know it. But what I can say is that many of these moments simply did not translate to film well at all. They were ridiculous, outlandish (even for freakin Middle Earth), made no sense, and held nothing to the plot. Why was all of this happening? What did it mean, why did we need to watch it?
And I'm sorry. Smaug. Was. Stupid. He wasn't that scary. He spoke like a lame cartoon. Even Benedict Cumberbatch couldn't save this one. I hated watching his lips move in hilarious conversation with our characters. Maybe it wasn't touched on in the book. But why not just have him communicate like so many other dragons did in film, telepathically? I just could not look at this dragon and feel any sense of fear. I just wanted to laugh. And that can't be a good emotion for that context.
I really liked the first Hobbit. I didn't think it weighed down the story too much. I liked the sense of adventure, and I thought it was pretty to watch. But this took away all credibility in the decision to split it into 3 movies. Come on, Peter Jackson. I know you didn't want to make this, but you can do better.
Rank - 1/5
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