Ah yes, there's always one. That one movie in a year that's so bad it has me cracking up in my seat. Sadly, I was all alone in this theatre. But that just let me laugh harder. And yes, I know this is a book. Again, what a shock, I never read it. So I'm going just off of what I saw on the screen. And what I saw was complete hilarity.
What exactly is this movie about? Well, it's EXACTLY what it looks like. It's about a man named Peter Lake, an American street raised man who mysteriously has developed a Scottish accent, who falls in love with a dying woman who for some reason can't have her heart rate raised because it will kill her, even though they establish that she has cancer. Let's just say this leads to some obvious stupidity from our main character...
Our love interest has to keep her body temperature down, or she becomes apparently so warm that she melts the snow she stands in into puddles. Because....sense. And drama. Sense and drama. Then, as if by some form of "miracle", as the movie puts it, Peter Lake lives from the start of the film in 1886, all the way to 2014. No, I'm not joking. It's only described as a miracle. Did I ruin it? Well you weren't going to get any better of an explanation from the movie. Meanwhile, this is all happening as angels fight demons (really? THATS what the conflict is in this movie?) to prevent a miracle from happening, because that would bring people closer to God. That is actually the story. God is bowing his head in shame. And it features Lucifer being hilariously played by Will Smith in one of the funniest miscasts I can remember.
This movie is just packed with gaping plot holes. For example, how is it that you'd find a missing person in 1886 in NYC with no knowledge of where he was? How about you take a bunch of crystals and throw them on a windowsill? When you do that, the moon light will hit them and project a perfect image of Grand Central Station on your desk. Obviously. What happens when your mysterious horse which is for some reason apparently a dog (never shown), can fly away from evil? Well all it needs to do is glide to safety. Because of course, Satan, the leader of all things evil, won't let chaos leave New York City. Again, I'm not joking. That's a legitimate plot point. I guess Will Smith just can't be that evil. Here's another great one - did you know that when a cancer woman meets a man with a gun, her gut reaction after seeing she won't be harmed is to offer him tea? How about that the woman who needs to keep her heart rate down loves to play piano very violently, wishes to dance, and asks to have sex for the first time. Right, because these are GREAT ideas to keep yourself alive when a raised heart rate can kill you. Sense is such a beautiful thing.
This film resolves itself entirely on the logic of a 4 year old playing with dolls with her friends, if they played games about cancer patients dying. There is no logic in a single part of this movie. And that's what makes it hilarious. Watching Russel Crowe's mouth turn demonic for absolutely no reason had me burst out laughing. Watching Colin Farrell as an infant somehow survive a toy boat ride into New York harbor into cliche lightning flashes had me rolling in my seat. Watching an explosion that blows smoke through every chimney of a MANSION and yet leave our "heroes" completely unharmed at the furnace itself had me gasping for breath. And the hilariously poor final act of the film, taking place modern day SOMEHOW, had me ready to recommend this film to friends. This film is just great. I'll reflect the actual quality of the film in my rank. But really, I say watch this with your friends, get really drunk, and let yourself have a great time.
Rank - 0.5/5
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