10. Grudge Match
But Tom, what could go wrong with a boxing movie starring Stallone and De Niro? I’ll tell you how..by not having any freakin boxing. This movie is literally about nothing until the final boxing match. Stallone is coping with whatever emotional crap he’s dealing with that prevents him from wanting to fight because there needs to be drama. Meanwhile, De Niro finds himself trying to reconnect with his lost son and grandson and reconnect family ties. Wait a minute. I didn’t pay for any of this. I just wanted a freakin boxing movie that made me laugh. The only thing funny in this movie was the set up. Because lets get real, putting Stallone against De Niro is like putting me in an MMA fight with Tom Hardy. It’s pretty freakin obvious who’s gonna win, and setting it up like its an actual fight is just absurd.
9. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
What ISN’T wrong with Mortal Instruments? Well it isn’t too short…Mortal Instruments successfully manages to rip off every fantasy franchise, while managing to make its own ideas look stupid and weird. Not only does it rip off plot points, it even rips off exact shots from some bigger franchises, such as Twilight, Harry Potter, Star Wars, heck even a bit of Eragon! Next there’s the terribly unlikable and forgettable characters and their hilarious “character development”, if you could call it that. Lily Collins goes from being an average looking girl to a freakin goth. Get it? Because she’s changing. It’s as subtle as a freakin axe to the head. How about making every werewolf a biker for some reason? Or the random forced gay warlock? Or the vampires that do absolutely nothing to hide their identities as vampires? Ugh. This is just complete crap.
8. The Host
My friends said that this movie was so bad it made them laugh. Definitely didn’t have that effect on me. I was PISSED watching this movie. First off, this movie never explains why the aliens invading is necessarily a bad thing. They appear to be helping humanity, and we just seem to be too stubborn to let them. Second of all, the name. Souls? These aliens are called Souls? So much for threatening. How about the hilarious interactions people have? For example, when I run into another human girl, I will immediately shove my tongue down her throat. That makes sense, right? And then there’s the awful internal dialogue between this “soul” (ugh) and the girl she’s controlling. It’s loud, annoying, pointless, and stupid. What a terrible movie.
7. Texas Chainsaw 3D
A horror movie about a man chopping off limbs with a chainsaw should NEVER have a moral. Yes, this movie actually has a moral. What’s the moral? Family sticks together. I’m not joking, that is legitimately the moral at the end of a Texas Chainsaw movie. Not to mention it half-assed defends Leatherface as person, and lets him be some forced type of hero. It’s absurd to think that anyone would actually think to make him a person. Just let him be the scary figure he is. And as for the characters, at least let us get to know the cliche’s before you kill them all! Let us at least TRY to have fun with them! And worst of all, no blood. It’s the most tamed down Texas Chainsaw I’ve seen. This is a piece of crap.
I think this movies biggest flaw is presenting itself with the words “JACKASS PRESENTS”. If I’m paying for a Jackass movie, I wanna see balls in jeopardy, the human body being put through ridiculous torture, and gross out gags. There was hardly ANY of that in this movie. In fact, most of it is obvious puns and sight gags we see coming from a million miles away. Obviously when he’s standing next to an open casket, the casket’s gonna fall. Of course as he’s next to the tall tower of glasses of champagne, they’re going to fall. Since when is Jackass that obvious?? And the worst thing is it was cowritten by Spike Jonze! What happened, man?! In fact, that probably explains the story. Yes, there’s a story. And it tries to make you feel for the characters…when it’s a JACKASS MOVIE. I didn’t pay to hear about a young boy being brought to his deadbeat abusive father. It tries to make you cry. I didn’t pay for that. Just give me what we all really want.
5. The Croods
This movie is about cavemen with the ability to run faster than all of the animals around them, strength to overhand throw a person across a canyon, and ability to go apparently long periods of time without eating, who are too afraid to go outside because predators will kill them…What? The predators, mind you, include a green saber tooth lion with a leaf. There’s a pair of mice that are connected at the tail. Do the creators really think kids will be fooled by these horrendously thought up creatures? And then there’s a sloth. That’s right. A normal sloth. What?! Then there are lines such as “Don’t worry, I’m never trying anything new or different!” (That might not be verbatim, but it’s pretty damn close.) Then there’s dark, unnecessary humor. Why is Nick Cage’s character excited to see his own mother die? Why are there constant shots up our leading girl’s skirt? And don’t get me started on the AWFUL music. Terrible. Just terrible. Everything about this movie.
4. Battle of the Year
I’d like to take the time now to tell my readers about my love of Playstation. With Playstation Plus, you can receive multiple games every month for you PS3, PS4, and PSVita systems, as well as online gameplay with PS4. Playstation: Greatness Awaits.
Was that blatant enough product placement? Because it’s exactly the same type of product placement in this awful movie. “Look at my new Sony tablet, it’s 10 inches!” “Check this out, I got a Playstation Vita!” A main character gives gift bags filled with Sony products. It’s awful. And that’s not even the biggest problem with the film. For some reason, different parts of rehearsals are shown in about 4 frames on screen per rehearsal. And it’s supposed to make us see them work hard…for talent they all clearly still have. How about Chris Brown’s awful line “at the beginning, it was all about me…and now…it’s still all about me.” I’m not joking, that’s one of the actual lines from the movie! And it all leads to a freakin boring inspirational speech about teamwork and crap like that. And Josh Peck, who the movie puts as the biggest seller for the movie, does NOTHING in it. He has a handful of lines, says he can dance, and then never dances. Or has any other lines. Add some pointless 3D, and you have yourself one hell of a headache of a movie.
3. Free Birds
Oh George Takei, I want to love you. I want to love everything you do. But what on earth were you thinking signing on to this? This is a movie about two turkey’s who travel back in time after one of them has a vision from turkey god that he will be the one to save turkey’s from being the Thanksgiving staple. Yes, that’s the story. Sub par animation, awful voice acting, incredibly violent imagery for children, and horrendous racism. The turkey’s dress like Native Americans. The turkey’s make spears, and die in a giant fire. They also launch flaming pumpkins at peoples heads. I can’t make this up. Even George Takei’s presence isn’t enough to make me laugh. Even the trademark “oh myyyyy”. This is an abomination.
2. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Why, why oh why did this go wrong?! Come on, Steve Carell and Steve Buscemi are Vegas magicians competing against a street musician played by Jim Carrey?! How can this be bad? I guess all you have to do is make every single character unlikable and weird, if not horrendously stupid. It’s a mean spirited movie too. A dog is crushed and stuffed into somebody’s pants. Jim Carey burns words into his arms. Really, this is what the movie considers funny. Then there’s the revelation of how they perform magic tricks, you know, breaking the first rule of magic. Add some bad music, lame puns, and a pointless story that pokes fun at third world children, and you have yourself one hell of an unbelievable movie. Unbelievably insulting.
Yeah. That’s right. Come at me. But I’m not joking. This is hands down the angriest I’ve ever come out of a theatre. I’m not even gonna write a blurb. Click here to see my review, and you’ll see what makes me think this movie is so awful. There's WAYYY too much to write.
There you have it! What were some movies you hated this year? Let me know!
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