Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

4/5

Yes. 4 out of 5. I have no idea how people can honestly come out of this movie and hate it. I had the time of my life. I'm sure my buddy and I pissed off the entire audience with our obnoxious laughter. And here's the crazy part - it's NOT because it's so bad. It takes its image, and sells it! The script had Hansel suffer from diabetes because he ate too much of the ginger bread house. That's so stupid...and yet so perfect! It sells its gore and stupid weapons for the sheer fun of it - of course a machine gun crossbow is ridiculous, of course having a phonograph in that time period is stupid...but it was all so strangely clever that it was impossible to not have a smile on your face. Everyone took it seriously enough that it wasn't parody, but it was with an obvious understanding that I have to go ahead and say that this movie is a recommendation. Go watch it. It's so fun.

Parker

1.5/5

It's just so BORING. And Jennifer Lopez is just SO TERRIBLE. She's so painfully bad, I was praying that the next scene wouldn't have her. And I was so bored, I fell asleep for a few minutes, woke up, and didn't miss anything.The story was predictable, but it wasn't so terrible that I just gave up on it. Jason Statham was fun enough, but the rest of the cast was just so terrible it ruined the little he gave to the movie. It had one of the worst music scores I've heard in a while, it grated on my ears. And the climax was so anticlimactic and senseless it made me question the previous 2 hours. At the end of it, I couldn't help but think of the two hours I gave to this movie as a waste of time, not because it was so bad, but because I had no strong feelings one way or the other, and couldn't even say I had fun.

Mama

3.5/5

Wow. Didn't expect that. At all, actually. I mean, I was tearing up a few times during this. This turned into an emotional display of what happens to a child who isn't raised properly. The special effects were dated looking, but the idea is just creepy enough, and its executed with a good script that allows it to make you feel a plethora of emotions. Interestingly, at no point was I really scared. Sure, one or two scenes managed to make me jump, but its the youngest girls relationship to her mama that really makes you get goosebumps. I really don't have much else to say about it. It's nicely performed, as I said it has a nice script, it's a really enjoyable experience of a movie, and the first one of the genre in a while.

The Last Stand

3/5

It's likable. But then again, what do you expect? It knows it's trying to be silly, and it works as you'd expect. Johnny Knoxville is the WORST, he's so annoying and serves only one incredibly forced purpose. Other than that, I was really disappointed with the majority of the movie in regards to our good friend Arnold. Why? Because he was obviously the least bad-ass of anyone in the movie. His age really showed in this, which is a shame because they made him great in this years Expendables movie. The movie also had none of the same enormous scale. The villain seems so small time, so forgettable, I'm never really afraid of him. And because so little of the movie is the fighting that we wanted, it left me feeling let down, and even dozing off a bit in the middle. But it's all made up for in a fun last battle, it fixed the vibe. All in all, the movie works, even if it really didn't hit the high we all wanted it to with AHNOLD.

Gangster Squad

3/5

This movie is an anomaly. It's a movie that I look at and, honestly, the script isn't good, the characters are boring and stupid, and the story just kinda falls flat. But it's the rare exception where all of that is completely made up for with an unbelievably electric cast and a great sense of style. I loved every single person in this movie. It's the worst we've seen Ryan Gosling, and that is a GREAT thing, because he's still great. Emma stone is gorgeous and likable, Josh Brolin absolutely steals the show and really shines in this. I went on Rotten Tomatoes, and apparently people are complaining that this is violent?........really? This is violent? Has the audience not seen Django? And that's just from this year. This wasn't that bad, save the first death in the movie. It's really nothing that drastic. It's not one to pay to see, because it seems like a lot of people like it less than I did, but it's one to check out solely for its fun experimentation and some dynamite performances.

A Haunted House

0.5/5

Dear Hollywood,

LEARN HOW TO MAKE A PARODY MOVIE. Taking a bunch of lame jokes that make no sense and have no purpose and cramming them into the same camera style as a sortof popular franchise is NOT PARODY. What are the best parody movies? THEY'RE MOVIES THAT CAN STAND ON THEIR OWN. When I think of great parody movies, or at least my personal favorites, I think of Shaun of the Dead, a movie that parodies zombie movie that also stands on its own as a legitimate zombie movie. This is...disgraceful. The first scene involves hooking a dog up to jumper cables after the main characters girlfriend hits it. I don't get it...is this a stupid reference to Frankenweenie? If it's not, then why is it here? If it is....WHY WOULD YOU PUT A REFERENCE TO FRANKENWEENIE IN A MOVIE THAT SPECIFICALLY PARODIES THE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY MOVIES. It's stupid. It's not funny. It's stupid. Forget this movie.

The Impossible

5/5

This is a movie that constantly toed the line of potentially being too sappy. Lets face it - it's a set of parents searching for their two kids. At the end of the day, that sounds like an Oscar grabber to me. Luckily, the script wasn't cheesy in the slightest. Lines felt organic, the moments of hope were incredibly organic and very uplifting. The kids in it were fantastic, and I felt not only sympathy for them, but instead of being used simply as the obvious source of pity, they were also easy to believe, and just as good actors as their adult costars. Ewan McGreggor is unbelievable, and I loved him as much as I always do. Naomi Watts was also really great, maybe not Oscar nom great but I really did think she did a great job. The scenes of the devastation were terrifying, and seeing as many of the survivors of the tsunami had a hard time watching this movie, it seems like it really did its job quite well. All in all, this is one to watch and be prepared, because you will most likely end up crying.

Promised Land

3.5/5

I'm a big anti-fracking guy. It's scary, and it's frightening what the people higher up in the industry will do for the sake of a new drilling site. This movie is environmental. Duh. But that already puts a few things in perspective. It has cardboard characters, it has a potentially biased story, and potentially lame script. This has a decent script with very good performances of mediocre characters in a story that is absolutely biased, but I couldn't help but feel that the bias was less toward environmentalism and more to big business. And because of that, it was pretty easy to just let it go. The problem with any political film is that it really is impossible to judge it without bias. I am against fracking, therefore, I liked the movie. If you have different political views, you'll probably feel different.

Zero Dark Thirty

4/5

Yeah, so I liked it. A lot, even. But this is not a perfect movie. What are its problems? Well first of all, I think it's a little ridiculous for Jessica Chastain to get an Oscar nomination. She wasn't that impressive. And that's the second problem. It's not really notably performed. It's performed decently, sure, but the whole thing seemed a little passionless. The lack of passion wasn't just from the actors either. Kathryne Bigelow gave us The Hurt Locker, which took the Oscar for Best Picture. This just didn't have the style or interest in its storytelling. It felt like it was a few steps away from a dramatic representation of scenes presented in a documentary. I would have liked that, but it wasn't that. It was trying to be dramatic. Here's another interesting problem - it moved too fast. A lot of people are complaining about it being long, but honestly, I would have appreciated another half hour or so to let the events leading up to the raid sink in a little more. That all being said, it was a great raid scene, and the movie did a great job at telling its story to a broad range of people in the audience. But, at the end of the day, I did find it overrated. Oh well. It'll probably win a few Oscar's, and then I'll look dumb.

Texas Chainsaw

0.5/5

Okay. Wow. You read "Texas Chainsaw", and "3D", and you go "oh yeah, I know what I'm getting myself into." Guess. Again. This is how my new year starts? Jeez. I mean, not to get into spoilers here? But the movie has a moral. Yes, this movie has a moral. How can you make TEXAS CHAINSAW IN 3D, and expect the audience to be okay with a MORAL. Ya know how horror movies have the cliche throwaway characters? Part of the fun is having those characters die one by one, while "getting to know" some of the cliche's. Yeah, everyone dies in about 5 seconds. And then we're left with the exploration of this awful moral. What's the moral you ask? Family sticks together....yeah. Tell you what, anyone wants to know how that works, go ahead and email me. Add some terrible music, some awful acting, and a surprising lack of gore...yeah, you get it. Happy freakin new year.

Les Miserables

3.5/5

Everyone in this movie is dynamite. Everyone. Russel Crowe is the most questionable, and I loved him anyway. Hugh Jackman deserves every bit of that Oscar nom. Anne Hathaway had me almost crying. I hate Amanda Seyfried because she's annoying and terrible, and she's in the role that I also find annoying. Sacha Baron Cohen is the best casting choice ever. Seriously, everyone in this is fantastic. Now, the ultimate question - what on earth is with all of the closeups? You gave us such great, beautiful shots of Paris, of the landscapes of France, it was beautiful...why can't we see more of that during the songs? Not every song needs to be an obnoxious closeup of their face. Also, it's sad to say...the sound mixing on this was absolutely atrocious. The voices were much too loud compared to the orchestra, the balance never really made me happy until the very last scene when it sort of worked out. I've been hearing a lot of people complain that it's too long. As someone who's seen and been in the musical, I can say the pace is no different than the musical. It works just fine, and I didn't feel it was long at all. All in all, of course it's worth a watch. But it is a little bit underwhelming. And for a story like Les Mis to be underwhelming? That's not good.

Django Unchained

5/5

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH. GOD. This movie gave me the feeling I desperately wanted to get from The Expendables. The "I wanna go shoot people in the head and watch guts fly" feeling. But at the same time, it's an incredibly sad story. Amidst the headshots, stab wounds, great one liners and quirky characters is the story of a man searching for his wife who he was separated from after being sold to another owner. That's ridiculous. How do you make that story fun? You put a completely insane director in charge. I was laughing, I was gasping, I was going "AHHH SHIT" rather frequently. It was just awesome. It's proof that a fun movie can be brilliant, and not even in a parodic or self aware way, just in a brilliant way. It's my new favorite of the year, and I am very sure of that.

This Is 40

2.5/5

Awww. Come on, Judd. I wanted more than this. Knocked up was brilliant at taking a situation people wonder about and making it silly while also kindof interesting. Honestly, as a 21 year old guy...I kinda wonder about what being 40 will be like...is that weird? But this didn't pull that many comedic punches, in fact, most of it wasn't really that funny. It had its moments, but for the most part, it was just kindof sad to watch. Not unlike Bridesmaids for me (although, can I say, I rewatched Bridesmaids on New Years Eve, and I liked it a lot better). Paul Rudd is just so darn likable and so damn cute, it's impossible to not laugh at what he says or sympathize with his emotions. Leslie Mann is a lot of fun, and the kids are likable enough to keep things upbeat. There's enough cute moments and fun moments to keep it lively, but by the end, it does start to feel a little bit long. That being said, it's a great movie for anyone like me who loves Paul Rudd. If you're looking for a movie to talk about with your date afterwards though, might wanna pick another one.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

5/5

UGH. WHY DO PEOPLE HATE ON THIS MOVIE?! I've seen it twice now. I love it. I love it I love it I love it. It's HUGE in IMAX 3D, I really appreciated the changes watching it in its intended high film rate. It looks great in both cases. I love the characters, and I gotta say, I'm more excited to follow Martin Freeman's Bilbo than I ever was to follow Elijah Wood's Frodo. The Dwarves are fun, and just have just enough to relate to for me to enjoy being in their company. The music is HUGE, and obviously gorgeous, but we've known that from the trailer haven't we? I loved the fights, they were huge, but not so inconceivably huge to make me worry about future movies. People say that it's so obviously paced that it gets annoying. I disagree. I think its pace worked just fine, and I think it ended really nicely. The high film rate version takes a few minutes to get used to. It's a weird sensation, almost like the people are moving comically fast. But give it a few minutes into the movie, and you'll be completely aware of how gorgeous it looks, while used to it enough that it doesn't detract in any way at all. I'm pumped for sequels, and FYI, if you see it in IMAX 3D, you see the first 9 minutes of the new Star Trek movie. I crapped my pants. Can't wait.

Killing Them Softly

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Yeah so, I'm sitting here trying to write a review. And I realized...wow. I remember none of this movie. None at all. Yes, it's my fault for waiting a while. But I can write all the other reviews fine...why can't I remember this movie? I won't include it in my list...but I gotta say, that makes me think about how much of an impact the movie had on me. Oh well. Moving on...

Life of Pi

3/5

Eh. It's a bit overrated. I can't lie, I kindof felt it to be a bit shallow. It totally knew it had a story, so it didn't bother focusing on its story and focused on its style. One thing I can definitely give to the movie? Best use of 3D I've seen in a long time. It looked great. And unlike great looking movies (cough Avatar), it had a story that was interesting enough to back it up. Now, I've never read the book. But I have to say, it really felt contrived. I didn't believe much of what I was watching, as pretty or interesting as it was. And even though we saw his entire life, I felt like Pi himself was a pretty boring character. Considering you need to spend an entire movie at sea with him, that's kindof a problem. The tiger looked phenomenal, and the designers did a fantastic job at keeping him an animal, rather than cram an emotional tiger down our throats. It's good, don't get me wrong. But it's overrated.

Silver Linings Playbook

4/5

SOOOOOOO CLOSE. So close to being a great movie. I love the premise, Bradley Cooper give the performance of his career in my opinion (LOVED HIM), Jennifer Lawrence is dynamite (and gorgeous), I love Robert Deniro's performance, Chris Tucker is just the right amount of annoying too. It had some great situations with two great leads letting awkwardness and interest flow at the same time in the same amounts. So why not 5? Because I desperately wanted it to be funnier, or I desperately wanted it to be crueler. It was too much in the middle. 50/50 is the best example in recent movies of a very serious topic being very funny and also being very serious. That's what I wanted, more extremes. It stood just in the middle, and what that did for me is take away a lot of opportunities to laugh and enjoy myself. That being said, it's definitely worth a watch for Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, who should get some recognition as this years best screen couple. Maybe it doesn't deserve the Oscar nom? But it deserves attention.

Lincoln

5/5

Yes, it's incredibly obvious this is supposed to be the Oscar grabber. But I loved it. It was just as interesting and informative as it was entertaining and funny. Daniel Day-Lewis was dynamite as President Lincoln. It must be said that Sally Field was...eh...but Day-Lewis completely made up for her faults. I absolutely loved Tommy Lee Jones - legitimately! He was really great! It had a great script, one that made me laugh just as much as hold my breath, and (SPOILER ALERT, Lincoln dies) a brilliant way to show Lincoln's death. The simple way of saying this is, it worked. It took a stylistic choice to entertain rather than just inform, and it really worked well. Its script also showed that a story can be told accurately, well, and without cheese or obviousness, while still allowing the mind to wander to modern day allusions. It was really beautiful, and while it might not be my number one of the year, I loved it.