The Croods

Anyone who reads my reviews knows there are three big things that keep me from liking a movie - 1) Talking down to an audience, 2) Humor resulting in discomfort, and 3) Ridiculous character traits that make no sense. This movie doesn't only have all three, it seems to glorify in its use of all three.

First of all, the story - this family of cave men (and women), lead by a horribly performed Nicholas Cage (but then again who expected anything, really) are living in a cave due to their fear of the outside. But these aren't cavemen. These are the ancestors to the Incredibles. They run super fast, they're obnoxiously strong, they can outrun and defeat predators much more dangerous than themselves. So, really...Why are they terrified? I just watched one of them race 50 miles an hour to steal an egg from a nest. And they succeeded.

Second of all, the talking down to the audience - WHAT THE HECK are these animals?!?! Seriously, there's a pair of mice connected at the tail. There's a green saber tooth leaf lion thing. There are animals that clearly NEVER EXISTED. Kid's aren't stupid. They know that these animals don't exist. And because of that, why is there even a sloth?! An actual animal running around this world of ridiculously dumb looking ones? Why?! Also, kids aren't stupid. They've heard that new things aren't necessarily dangerous, that meeting new people is part of growing up, that just because it's different doesn't mean it's scary...So PLEASE don't put in lines like "I'm never trying anything new or different!" in the middle of the script. It's not clever, it's not funny, and it's not helping the moral at all.

Third of all - humor that makes me feel uncomfortable. Why is Nicholas Cage constantly looking forward to his mothers death. Is that supposed to be funny? Am I supposed to laugh? Because I'm not. I'm feeling kindof depressed at the idea of a man wishing death on his mother. Thanks for the scarring of kids who now potentially think of their mothers death as funny. Another point of discomfort - why am I looking up Eep's (the leading lady) skirt the whole time?! Seriously, she does so many backflips with her very exposed legs all the time. I don't want to see that. She's, what, 15? Jeez.

There's also a subcategory of reasons I hate a movie. The score. The awful, awful. AWFUL score in this movie.... It NEVER let up. It was constant bashing, banging, loud, and repetitive themes. Come on, Alan Silvestri, you've done WAY better than this.

So guess what. This breaks every rule I hate about bad movies. Especially animated movies. And considering last year was such a great year for them, I suggest you step up your game for Turbo, DreamWorks.

Score - 0.5/5