"Mega-Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" Is So Bad It's...

There's a little production company out there known infamously as "The Asylum". The wonderful mines out there are responsible for such wonderful movies as Snakes on a Plane, The Davinci Code, Alien Vs. Predator, Transformers, and the enormous blockbuster, High School Musical.



Oh wait...sorry...that came out wrong. They're responsible for Snakes on a TRAIN, The Davinci TREASURE, TransMORPHERS, and SUNDAY School Musical. Yep. This production company is notorious for spitting out rip off movies, the ones that you see in the 99 cent bin at your car wash or gas station. And they have credibility? Well...credibility isn't the right word...but they have a movie people care about?

Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus is being sold exactly as you would expect it to be sold. It's about a giant shark fighting a giant octopus. That's about it. Except not. In fact, throughout the entire film, there's actually very little monster fighting. That's right. In a film called Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus, there's not even that much fighting between a mega shark and a giant octopus. The film caters itself to strange conversations and implied sexual tension to develop its cardboard characters, like the star of the film Debbie Gibson (for some strange reason...). But that's not what you're paying to see. We're treated to a bloated running time of nothing but talking, talking, talking, more talking, talking, talking. It's SO boring.

When we do get our attempted action scenes, don't get me wrong, they're very poorly CGI. BUT...they're not bad enough. I can buy that it's a low budget strong attempt at something that isn't awful. So there's really not much to laugh at. And they're so few and so short, it leaves so much to be desired that there's not much humor. When we finally get to the big fight, it doesn't exactly look like a fight. It's a lot of thrashing, and...not much else. So there's no real tension from the fight. In fact, it's over in about thirty seconds. Instead, the film tries to force tension though these really weird jump cuts, I can't make heads or tales of them..they just turn the screen grey or sepia for a moment before cutting back to the same instant in time we were just watching...

Then there's the awful consistency. The shark can bite through the golden gate bridge but then can't bite through a submarine. The scientists are supposedly scientists but it takes them a freakin hour to come to the conclusion we see in the damn title. I know this is all campy stuff from any bad movie, potentially anyway, but when you're looking for silliness in a movie like this it becomes inexcusably obvious. There is no suspension of disbelief at all, so there's no cushion to fall back on.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is just bad. It's insufferable. It's not so bad it's good. For that to be there at all, there needs to be something entertaining. And when the fight that your movie is leading up to isn't good, you have a serious problem for entertainment. I hope I never have to watch this movie, or any of its sequels or spinoffs ever again. (Yes, you read that right. There are sequels and spinoffs to this terrible movie).